FRANK HATED CHOCOLATE MUFFINS. He hated snakes. And he
hated his life. Not necessarily in that order.
As he trudged up the hill, he wished that he could pass
out like Hazel – just go into a trance and experience
some other time, like before he got drafted for this insane
quest, before he found out his dad was a godly drill
sergeant with an ego problem.
His bow and spear slapped against his back. He hated
the spear, too. The moment he got it, he silently swore
he’d never use it. A real man’s weapon – Mars was a
moron.
Maybe there had been a mix-up. Wasn’t there some
sort of DNA test for gods’ kids? Perhaps the godly nursery
had accidentally switched Frank with one of Mars’s buff
little bully babies. No way would Frank’s mother have got
involved with that blustering war god.
She was a natural warrior, Grandmother’s voice argued.
It is no surprise a god would fall in love with her, given our
family. Ancient blood. The blood of princes and heroes.
Frank shook the thought out of his head. He was no
prince or hero. He was a lactose-intolerant klutz, who
couldn’t even protect his friend from getting kidnapped by
wheat.
His new medals felt cold against his chest: the
centurion’s crescent, the Mural Crown. He should’ve been
proud of them, but he felt like he’d only got them because
his dad had bullied Reyna.
Frank didn’t know how his friends could stand to be
around him. Percy had made it clear that he hated Mars,
and Frank couldn’t blame him. Hazel kept watching Frank
out of the corner of her eye, like she was afraid he might
turn into a muscle-bound freak.
Frank looked down at his body and sighed. Correction:
even more of a muscle-bound freak. If Alaska really was a
land beyond the gods, Frank might stay there. He wasn’t
sure he had anything to return to.
Don’t whine, his grandmother would say. Zhang men do
not whine.
She was right. Frank had a job to do. He had to
complete this impossible quest, which at the moment
meant reaching the convenience store alive.
As they got closer, Frank worried that the store might
burst into rainbow light and vaporize them, but the
building stayed dark. The snakes Polybotes had dropped
seemed to have vanished.
They were twenty yards from the porch when something
hissed in the grass behind them.
‘Go!’ Frank yelled.
Percy stumbled. While Hazel helped him up, Frank
turned and nocked an arrow.
He shot blindly. He thought he’d grabbed an exploding
arrow, but it was only a signal flare. It skidded through the
grass, bursting into orange flame and whistling: WOO!
At least it illuminated the monster. Sitting in a patch of
withered yellow grass was a lime-coloured snake as short
and thick as Frank’s arm. Its head was ringed with a mane
of spiky white fins. The creature stared at the arrow zipping
by as if wondering, What the heck is that?
Then it fixed its large, yellow eyes on Frank. It
advanced like an inchworm, hunching up in the middle.
Wherever it touched, the grass withered and died.
Frank heard his friends climbing the steps of the store.
He didn’t dare turn and run. He and the snake studied
each other. The snake hissed, flames billowing from its
mouth.
‘Nice creepy reptile,’ Frank said, very aware of the
driftwood in his coat pocket. ‘Nice poisonous, firebreathing
reptile.’
‘Frank!’ Hazel yelled behind him. ‘Come on!’
The snake sprang at him. It sailed through the air so
fast, there wasn’t time to nock an arrow. Frank swung his
bow and smacked the monster down the hill. It spun out of
sight, wailing, ‘Screeeee!’
Frank felt proud of himself until he looked at his bow,
which was steaming where it had touched the snake. He
watched in disbelief as the wood crumbled to dust.
He heard an outraged hiss, answered by two more
hisses further downhill.
Frank dropped his disintegrating bow and ran for the
porch. Percy and Hazel pulled him up the steps. When
Frank turned, he saw all three monsters circling in the
grass, breathing fire and turning the hillside brown with
their poisonous touch. They didn’t seem able or willing to
come closer to the store, but that wasn’t much comfort to
Frank. He’d lost his bow.
‘We’ll never get out of here,’ he said miserably.
‘Then we’d better go in.’ Hazel pointed to the handpainted
sign over the door: RAINBOW ORGANIC FOODS &
LIFESTYLES.
Frank had no idea what that meant, but it sounded
better than flaming poisonous snakes. He followed his
friends inside.
As they stepped through the door, lights came on. Flute
music started up like they’d walked onto a stage. The wide
aisles were lined with bins of nuts and dried fruit, baskets
of apples, and clothing racks with tie-dyed shirts and
gauzy Tinker Bell-type dresses. The ceiling was covered
in wind chimes. Along the walls, glass cases displayed
crystal balls, geodes, macramé dream catchers and a
bunch of other strange stuff. Incense must have been
burning somewhere. It smelled like a bouquet of flowers
was on fire.
‘Fortune-teller’s shop?’ Frank wondered.
‘Hope not,’ Hazel muttered.
Percy leaned against her. He looked worse than ever,
like he’d been hit with a sudden flu. His face glistened with
sweat. ‘Sit down …’ he muttered. ‘Maybe water.’
‘Yeah,’ Frank said. ‘Let’s find you a place to rest.’
The floorboards creaked under their feet. Frank
navigated between two Neptune statue fountains.
A girl popped up from behind the granola bins. ‘Help
you?’
Frank lurched backwards, knocking over one of the
fountains. A stone Neptune crashed to the floor. The sea
god’s head rolled off and water spewed out of his neck,
spraying a rack of tie-dyed man satchels.
‘Sorry!’ Frank bent down to clean up the mess. He
almost goosed the girl with his spear.
‘Eep!’ she said. ‘Hold it! It’s okay!’
Frank straightened slowly, trying not to cause any more
damage. Hazel looked mortified. Percy turned a sickly
shade of green as he stared at the decapitated statue of
his dad.
The girl clapped her hands. The fountain dissolved into
mist. The water evaporated. She turned to Frank. ‘Really,
it’s no problem. Those Neptune fountains are so grumpylooking
they bum me out.’
She reminded Frank of the college-age hikers he
sometimes saw in Lynn Canyon Park behind his
grandmother’s house. She was short and muscular, with
lace-up boots, cargo shorts and a bright yellow T-shirt that
read R.O.F.L. Rainbow Organic Foods & Lifestyles. She
looked young, but her hair was frizzy white, sticking out on
either side of her head like the white of a giant fried egg.
Frank tried to remember how to speak. The girl’s eyes
were really distracting. The irises changed colour from
grey to black to white.
‘Uh … sorry about the fountain,’ he managed. ‘We were
just –’
‘Oh, I know!’ the girl said. ‘You want to browse. It’s all
right. Demigods are welcome. Take your time. You’re not
like those awful monsters. They just want to use the
restroom and never buy anything!’
She snorted. Her eyes flashed with lightning. Frank
glanced at Hazel to see if he’d imagined it, but Hazel
looked just as surprised.
From the back of the store, a woman’s voice called:
‘Fleecy? Don’t scare the customers, now. Bring them here,
will you?’
‘Your name is Fleecy?’ Hazel asked.
Fleecy giggled. ‘Well, in the language of the nebulae
it’s actually –’ She made a series of crackling and blowing
noises that reminded Frank of a thunderstorm giving way
to a nice cold front. ‘But you can call me Fleecy.’
‘Nebulae …’ Percy muttered in a daze. ‘Cloud nymphs.’
Fleecy beamed. ‘Oh, I like this one! Usually no one
knows about cloud nymphs. But, dear me, he doesn’t look
so good. Come to the back. My boss wants to meet you.
We’ll get your friend fixed up.’
Fleecy led them through the produce aisle, between
rows of aubergines, kiwis, lotus fruit and pomegranates. At
the back of the store, behind a counter with an oldfashioned
cash register, stood a middle-aged woman with
olive skin, long black hair, rimless glasses and a T-shirt
that read: The Goddess Is Alive! She wore amber
necklaces and turquoise rings. She smelled like rose
petals.
She looked friendly enough, but something about her
made Frank feel shaky, like he wanted to cry. It took him a
second, then he realized what it was – the way she smiled
with just one corner of her mouth, the warm brown colour
of her eyes, the tilt of her head, like she was considering a
question. She reminded Frank of his mother.
‘Hello!’ She leaned over the counter, which was lined
with dozens of little statues – waving Chinese cats,
meditating Buddhas, Saint Francis bobble heads and
novelty dippy drinking birds with top hats. ‘So glad you’re
here. I’m Iris!’
Hazel’s eyes widened. ‘Not the Iris – the rainbow
goddess?’
Iris made a face. ‘Well, that’s my official job, yes. But I
don’t define myself by my corporate identity. In my spare
time, I run this!’ She gestured around her proudly. ‘The
R.O.F.L. Co-op – an employee-run cooperative promoting
healthy alternative lifestyles and organic foods.’
Frank stared at her. ‘But you throw chocolate muffins at
monsters.’
Iris looked horrified. ‘Oh, they’re not just chocolate
muffins.’ She rummaged under the counter and brought
out a package of chocolate-covered cakes that looked
exactly like muffins. ‘These are gluten-free, no-sugaradded,
vitamin-enriched, soy-free, goat-milk-andseaweed-
based cupcake simulations.’
‘All natural!’ Fleecy chimed in.
‘I stand corrected.’ Frank suddenly felt as queasy as
Percy.
Iris smiled. ‘You should try one, Frank. You’re lactose
intolerant, aren’t you?’
‘How did you –’
‘I know these things. Being the messenger
goddess … well, I do learn a lot, hearing all the
communications from the gods and so on.’ She tossed
the cakes on the counter. ‘Besides, those monsters
should be glad to have some healthy snacks. Always
eating junk food and heroes. They’re so unenlightened. I
couldn’t have them tromping through my store, tearing up
things and disturbing our feng shui.’
Percy leaned against the counter. He looked like he
was going to throw up all over the goddess’s feng shui.
‘Monsters marching south,’ he said with difficulty. ‘Going to
destroy our camp. Couldn’t you stop them?’
‘Oh, I’m strictly non-violent,’ Iris said. ‘I can act in selfdefence,
but I won’t be drawn into any more Olympian
aggression, thank you very much. I’ve been reading about
Buddhism. And Taoism. I haven’t decided between them.’
‘But …’ Hazel looked mystified. ‘Aren’t you a Greek
goddess?’
Iris crossed her arms. ‘Don’t try to put me in a box,
demigod! I’m not defined by my past.’
‘Um, okay,’ Hazel said. ‘Could you at least help our
friend here? I think he’s sick.’
Percy reached across the counter. For a second Frank
was afraid he wanted the cupcakes. ‘Iris-message,’ he
said. ‘Can you send one?’
Frank wasn’t sure he’d heard right. ‘Iris-message?’
‘It’s …’ Percy faltered. ‘Isn’t that something you do?’
Iris studied Percy more closely. ‘Interesting. You’re from
Camp Jupiter, and yet … Oh, I see. Juno is up to her
tricks.’
‘What?’ Hazel asked.
Iris glanced at her assistant, Fleecy. They seemed to
have a silent conversation. Then the goddess pulled a
vial from behind the counter and sprayed some
honeysuckle-smelling oil around Percy’s face. ‘There, that
should balance your chakra. As for Iris-messages – that’s
an ancient way of communication. The Greeks used it.
The Romans never took to it – always relying on their
road systems and giant eagles and whatnot. But yes, I
imagine … Fleecy, could you give it a try?’
‘Sure, boss!’
Iris winked at Frank. ‘Don’t tell the other gods, but
Fleecy handles most of my messages these days. She’s
wonderful at it, really, and I don’t have time to answer all
those requests personally. It messes up my wa.’
‘Your wa?’ Frank asked.
‘Mmm. Fleecy, why don’t you take Percy and Hazel into
the back? You can get them something to eat while you
arrange their messages. And for Percy … yes, memory
sickness. I imagine that old Polybotes … well, meeting
him in a state of amnesia can’t be good for a child of P –
that is to say, Neptune. Fleecy, give him a cup of green
tea with organic honey and wheat germ and some of my
medicinal powder number five. That should fix him up.’
Hazel frowned. ‘What about Frank?’
Iris turned to him. She tilted her head quizzically, just
the way his mother used to – as if Frank were the biggest
question in the room.
‘Oh, don’t worry,’ Iris said. ‘Frank and I have a lot to talk
about.’
What's a wa? 😭
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